You Shouldn't Be Doing This... In Princeton

The ping comes in Princeton. Not too far away, not too long of a drive. But the rider's rating is a little low. Worrisome. I take it anyway.

A word about Princeton, which is to say the wealthiest part of New Jersey. It's also a very high risk / high reward place to do rideshare, because 

(a) Very Wealthy people are often the Very Worst, and lots of people -- especially restaurant patrons who want to all drink -- are in that group

(b) the area is absolutely rife with deer, which are not a thing I want to drive around,

(c) the pandemic means no college students (they are usually more fun to talk to and easier to manage, because they are more dependent on rideshare to get around and hence care more about their ratings)

(d) the pandemic means a lot less tipsy high tipping pharma people on an expense account, and

(e) you often get preposterously long ride requests, which usually wipe me out, and take me to places I don't know. Not super safe.

On the other hand, the roads are smooth and you occasionally get a great conversation or tipping. All things being equal, I tend to avoid the area. Not as much as other areas, and not to the point of boycott, but enough.

A word about my car and service. It's currently a 2014 Honda Insight, as immaculate as I can manage with daily obsessive cleaning. It's a hybrid hatchback that gets 48 miles per gallon, and is more than comfortable enough for one to two passengers, or maybe three if one of them is a child. It's also got a heated back seat cover, hand sanitizer, and my rating has been over 4.9 for, like, ever. I've done this for over 17.5K rides, 7K+ hours in the app, and 4+ years. 

I'm good at this. I know what I'm doing. 

Data, not opinion. 

So I roll up to the pick up, and the passenger gets in. She is, um, not small, but it's not a problem. The problem is her two friends. Both guys, both bigger than her, and not folks who can all fit in my back seat.

During the pandemic, sitting in the front seat isn't allowed. I have taken this change to load up the seat with a box of masks for those who don't have one (all hail Costco, but honestly, I'm not real thrilled at handing these out), a dust buster for when I can't get to my car wash, the breath mints and cough drops that I use for comfort and alertness (a cough drop tends to help against yawning, which happens more when you wear a mask all day), and face shields. 

So, I'm using the space. You aren't allowed there. The hustle is not paying me enough to get the virus. I tell the passenger about the policy, and I get a puling little "The driver who brought us here was OK with it."

Well, why didn't you say so earlier? That's more than enough reason for me to disregard my own safety, put myself at risk in case you are a shill that's out to make sure the policy is followed (yes, that happens), and judging by the cumulative weight of what's about to enter my car, stress the shocks and tire pressure. 

Or, well, not. I confirm with the passenger that she needs to order a bigger car (i.e., not the cheapest available Uber, which is how you get a guy in a compact, honestly), and cancel the ride.

Which gets me a raft of sputtering nonsense from a male passenger that got into the car with some difficulty, and is having more of it trying to get out. 

After way more dialogue and sarcasm than necessary, he heaves himself out with a grunt, screams "You shouldn't be doing this" at me, then slams the door for all he's worth. Because that'll teach me the error of my ways for not providing him service!

Oh, and final fun point... since I canceled the ride, I got paid nothing, took the accepted ride rating hit, and was unable to give these charming folks the 3 stars or lower rating that means I'd get to avoid them for any future rides.

One more reason to avoid Princeton, honestly...

The Worst Five Star Rider Ever

A little late on a Thursday night. The ping comes to a Wal-Mart, which is usually a local trip home with groceries. Standard fare, especially during the pandemic. The ride is going a suspiciously long way away though, out into the middle of nowhere, where I'm not going to get any kind of useful ride back. Oh well, life of a hack. Let's ride.

I come up to the front because there is no traffic, and two guys are having an animated conversation. It takes a while for one of them to get in, and the other kind of guides him in. "Thanks again," says my new passenger, and off we go. No groceries or purchases. Well, maybe he works there.

Nope.

Over the next 35 minutes, I get a disjointed ramble of a story about how the passenger had guns pulled on him by police, how various debit cards and SNAP (food stamps) products have fallen through, how you need to take this road and not that road, but he don't judge no one and wow your car sure is clean and nice and just a torrent of everything. He keeps his mask on and isn't actively threatening, but everything about him just screams Meth. Fun.

Long ride. I engage sporadically, just enough so that he thinks I'm on his side, and count the minutes until I can three-star him and get on with my life...

Which is when he then needs a stop at a Wawa on the way. Well, what the hell, my night is shot anyway, and he's been just on the edge enough that the first rule of ride share (Get Home Safely) dictates that I don't piss him off. Also, he's still several miles from his final destination, and if I just drive off, it's going to be some poor Wawa guy's problem, and, likely, a second visit from the po po. 

So I'll give him a minute or two in the store, and if he doesn't come back soon, well... oh, lord. He's arguing with the counter guy. Maybe I'm about to witness a hold up?

Which is when the app pings with a text. "Everything ok? You guys have been stuck there for a while."

Because... the guy at the Wal-Mart who guided him into the car isn't the passenger. He's the guy paying for the ride, so this nutcase can go sleep at whatever he calls home, instead of jail, which was probably what was going to happen at the Wal-Mart before I got there.

And at this point, he gets back in the car. \

With a fresh charge of caffeine and what happened in the store and oh man I'm sorry I spilled my coffee on your nice clean car and I need extra time to get out of the car and... 

I got home safe. 

The car's fine. 

And I didn't rate the Samaritan as low as I wanted to...

Pandemic Predictions In Rideshare

 Thanksgiving Week is usually one of the best weeks of the year for rideshare. 

I've personally chosen not to work it, because Pandemic and we're only a few months away from a vaccine you mooks, and to make very sure that I don't weaken in my resolve, I've had a drink.

So, anyhoo. 

Here is a screenshot of what I see, as a driver, in the greater Princeton-Trenton area right now.

And what happens when you scroll on up to the areas outside NYC.

Feel free to compare regions in 1-2 weeks.

Play me out, PJ...

Prank Dreams

Rideshare drivers can not, as a rule, mess with their passengers. The ratings have to stay high, complaints are taken very seriously, and unless you are *very* sure that the joke is going to (a) be received as a joke, and (b) will kill so much as to likely inspire tipping... well, safety first. And second. And third through twelfth.

But that doesn't mean that the mind doesn't wander down some, shall we say, entertaining scenarios. And since I don't have an improv group to film all these, and pandemics and my lack of video chops are also a thing...

Well, you get the set up. On to the pranks that will never happen!

1) Song of the Damned

My iPod (yes, iPod, I'm old school) has about 8K songs on it most of which are on shuffle, many of which I will skip over if I deem them inappropriate to the passenger. But sometimes, I really just want to see what would happen if I kept playing the same song, all while insisting that I wasn't. For more about how this might play out, listen to this bit by John Mulaney.

2) Rideshare Jukebox

Another music prank, but this requires a lot more work. All of the iPod selections are songs, stand up comedy routines, or murder mystery podcasts about grisly crimes perpetrated by rideshare drivers. This probably needs (a) a hidden camera for reactions, and (b) passengers that don't have headphones or earbuds. As the driver during this, I'd totally refuse to engage or acknowledge the content.

3) The Driving Dead

I'm not much for make up or costuming, but the idea of adding a bit of pallor to the cheeks, perhaps some structural decay, and a bit of a monotone as to how long this shift has lasted? Or how all you have to do to keep driving forever is to just go off one platform and on to the other, world without end, possibly while telling some story about an unhappy passenger who cursed you...

It would work on drunk people. Too well, really.

4) Game Show

Inspired by the great and mostly forgotten Daffy Duck and Porky Pig short "The Ducksters", this would give participants the chance to win prizes based on their ability to answer absurd trivia questions. More or less ruined by everyone having the Internet in their pocket, but still, a man can dream. "What's the latitude and longitude of the Wreck of the Hesperus"?

5) Take Your Child To Work Day

Not really kosher, since the front seat isn't allowed during the pandemic and for sale during normal times, but the idea of having an accomplice -- and making sure that the casting decision for such a person would make it highly unlikely that the person was, in fact, your kid -- makes for *much* better improv, really. I don't quite have the nerve of Sasha Baron Cohen, but I'm sure he could get some good weird fun out of this...

My Top 12 Driver Confessions

Malcolm Gladwell is one of those people who irritates nearly as much as he informs, but the balance is usually a hair to the good. One of his truisms is what he calls "The 10,000 Hour Rule", which holds that if you give that much "deliberate practice" to a task, you become world-class in the field.

It's probably bullspit, but I'm just looking for an intro here. I also have over 7,000 hours in the apps now, and some time on my hands thanks to the failure of my government and fellow citizens to stop a preventable pandemic. So... let's unburden.

1) If you make me wait, I hope you don't show up.

I get paid a reasonable rate for your no-show. And if you are making me wait, I want you to waste your money for wasting my time. I've taken rides in the platform, I know you can see my progress and when I'm close to your location. It's really not hard to be ready for your driver.

2) If you don't show up, I'm really hoping I don't get you again. But I might.

It's just awkward, but I'm likely the closest driver. I'll also log out of the system for a few minutes if need be to lower my chance of being your driver. And texting or calling me that you are on your way isn't really going to buy you a lot of extra time. Mostly because -- shh! -- this is a business and I'm not really here to drive you around so much as I am to make money. (You'd be amazed how often people fail to remember that.)

3) If you tell me that you are going to tip on the app, I will thank you, but I also won't believe you.

Blame the 17K previous riders. Many of whom said the same thing. And if you say it twice, I really know you are full of it.

4) I've had the conversation I'm having with you many times. 

Not to ruin the magic, and I'm glad if you like the material, but, um, 17K riders and I'm driving on often shoddy GPS directions, maybe to a place I've never been to before. We're kind of on auto pilot here.

5) Your assumptions about my station in life are cute. And usually wrong. I'm probably not going to bother to change them.

If you want to assume your driver is uneducated or unmotivated, that says a lot more about you than me. But to be clear: two degrees, 25 years in my industry, have likely drawn a paycheck longer than you've been alive. I'm here because my family has bills to pay, and I have hours to sell. But by all means, tell your "there but for the grace of God story." To yourself. Silently. While tipping.

6) If you wait until the last second to put on your mask, I'm going to check that you keep it on.

For obvious reasons, really. Usually with a check in the rear view mirror, and especially if you talk during the ride, either to your phone or me.

7) If you take your mask off, I'm not going to ask you to put it back on.

I'm also not going to drive you ever again, because that's the way 3 stars or less works. That also goes if you can't keep it on your nose. Since air comes out of that hole, and the virus is airborne, and you aren't paying me enough to give me a virus. Simple, really!

8) You can always add a stop. But I wish you wouldn't.

I'm usually chasing a bonus that's triggered by the number of rides that I accept. Using me as your chauffeur while you run errands, or changing the deal to add some totally unexpected out of the way destination, is your right as a rider. But... it really does suck for the driver. Make a second request.

9) Passengers who call often suck.

I'm driving when you call. If you have urgent information to impart, do it in text. That way, I don't have to remember. More often than not, people who call are folks who are bringing drama I don't need.

10) Your choice of platform makes me think about you differently. 

Mostly, that Lyft riders are more random than Uber.

Maybe they got bounced out of the dominant (at least on the East Coast) platform for bad behavior. Maybe they are looking to spend as little as possible on their ride, and feel that Lyft is more likely to avoid a surge price. Or maybe they are morally opposed to Uber (there are reasons), and feel like Lyft drivers are more likely to share their morals or politics, and are more interested in chatting. (Fun fact: 50 to 60% of the time, your Uber driver is also your Lyft driver. It's not like these platforms are paying us enough to lock down exclusivity.)

Whatever it is, I'm just much more likely to have outliers -- both good and bad -- on the Lyft platform. (And maybe that also makes me more receptive to them, or more likely to provoke. But it is what it is.)

11) Sometimes, I didn't want your ride, but I had to take it anyway.

I have to accept a certain percentage of rides to stay in the platform, even if they are really far away, taking me to some place I don't want to go (i.e, out into the middle of nowhere, out of state, or into an area without surge pricing), or for a rider with low ratings and an undesirable ride length. 

So if you cancel? Really not going to break my heart. 

And if I cancel on you?

Well, I get to do that up to 4% of the time. 

And will use as many of those as I can to maximize my money and time.

12) Your problems are not mine.

Running late and want me to speed? Annoyed because the windows are cracked during a pandemic? Not thrilled that all of you have to be in the back seat? Bent because some other driver cancelled on you? Or just Having A Day?

Well, I could say something about all of this. But this band did it better. Play me out, boys!