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When The Rider Goes Full Newhart

 I've done stand-up comedy a few times in my life. Just enough to know (a) how hard it is, (b) how I might be good at it, and (c) how I'm not going to have enough time to seriously pursue getting very good at it, and certainly don't have enough money to spend my time that way. Road not taken, and all that. But part of that experience is watching a great deal of it with a critical eye, and understanding why different practicioners succeed or fail for me.

A famous old-school stand-up routine is Bob Newhart giving you half of a telephone conversation. The conversation is ridiculous, but what makes it work is Newhart's deadpan demeanor as he listens to, and tries to correct, the other side. 

Anyhoo. Go to YouTube if you haven't seen these. Back to the story.

The pick up is in the outskirts of Princeton and happens without incident. My rider is a male, mid-20s, on the phone. Rude but common. I do the usual (confirm address, reveal amenities), and turn down my music so that his phone call doesn't compete. I've got him for 20 minutes and it's relatively lucrative. I can also hear every word of his end of the conversation...

And my man is engaged in a *passionate* debate with someone ("Bubbe"?) over the relative merits of his choices of reality television programming, and dismissive of the merits of *their* reality television programming.

Specifically, "MILF Manor."

For those of you who are unaware of what a MILF is, well, it's a Mom I'd Like to (Redacted). To each their own, and I don't care to judge or share my own proclivities. But in MILF Manor, the (inevitably younger) men are paired and scrutinized with the older women, with the hidden twist that these are the moms of... the other men.

In short, it's a car crash of cringe, and if you like to watch that sort of thing, again, to each their own.

But what got me back to the Newhart callback was the *vehemence* of the defense. "You didn't even give it a chance!" was heard, and apparently delivered without irony, or with the goal of "Let's see if I can say something into my phone that will make the driver give me some kind of reaction."

And, well, Nope.

But congratulations, my MILF Manor enthusiast, for making the blog...

Catching up on an unwanted day off

 Last winter was rough in central New Jersey, which means Pothole and Road Repair Season has been particularly long and troublesome. When these things occur, the chance of catching misery in the form of a flat tire increase, and it's now happened to your poor author three times in the last six weeks. 

Which means that instead of working on a holiday weekend when I might make a decent buck, I'm home catching up on blog-worthy moments. It's not as lucrative, but lemons, lemonade.

> Rider, on exit before Memorial Day, wishes me a happy holiday. I get it; to him, it's just a day off and maybe an invite to the cookout. If I was quicker and braver, I might have said something like, "You know it, bro! Every year we go to the ceremony, exhume the bodies and have a kegger." Or "My people go hard! Time to dig up the pets in the backyard and put on the annual puppet show!"

This may be why I'm not invited to the cookout, actually.

> My area is festooned with political signs for a candidate named Wang, which, I am sorry to inform said candidate, triggers my always-on internal 12-year-old boy who only knew that as a profane euphemism. Finally, a political candidate you can get behind! If, well, that's your thing. No judgment. Support Wang!

> I also had a recent pick up with the name of Prat, who I suspect has already heard things about this.

> Pick up at the Trenton train station for a run to an industrial site in Florence, about 20 minutes south. As we start to chat, she asks me if I want to "help", which piques my ears. It turns out that my fare is in the midst of a prank war with her guy, and has gotten on a plane to visit him without warning at his place of work. As such, she needs me to call him from the parking lot to tell him he's got a delivery. This is done to solid effect and without undue delay, so, yeah, Fare of the Month, this.

> Overheard at the end of a nightclub drop off: "Please do not tell my boyfriend I do drugs! We're getting married!" Even if I could, I wouldn't, because my sweet summer child, I would be highly surprised if he doesn't already know...

What I've Been Thinking

Random thoughts from behind the wheel from the last few months.

> Ever since the American "excursion" into Iran, gas prices have spiked and I've kind of been on alert as to what it means to the hustle. What I'm seeing so far is more aggressive panhandling. My move historically has been to give a slow "No" head shake on approach, because it's a volume business for them, and I don't want to give false hope. As you move from daylight to late night (my usual shift), the sightings lessen. 

What seems to be happening now is the desperation is rising, so you see them in more places and for longer periods of time. You also, if it's late enough, get folks walking straight in front of your car, gesticulating more wildly, and just getting more intimidating.

My car is modest, a decade old, with some light cosmetic damage from a past deer strike, and prominent rideshare platform signage. I am not now, nor have ever been, a picture of rolling consumption and affluence. That no longer matters, because the margins for everyone on the road have been cut. As always, it impacts those with the least first.

> When costs for drivers rise, fewer people do it. My car gets 45 miles per gallon, so I'm much better off than most on this, but I'm still tempted to call it a day sooner when things get slow. So I have to think that surge prices are up (my per hour gross rates are higher, my net is the same), and wait times for passengers are longer. This hasn't turned into direct hostility from passengers to my knowledge, but I still insist on starting the ride with amenities that most drivers do not offer, so maybe that experience isn't the same for others.

> If you are of a certain age, you might remembr the movie version of the Who's rock opera "Tommy", in which the central character withdraws following a childhood trauma, and does not seem to see, hear or speak. Eventually he breaks out of this and becomes a religious figure who uses his past experience with his followers, with the lyric "Put on your earphones, put on your eye shades, you know where to put the cork."

And when passengers, many of them single travelers and younger, enter my car with headphones on and a prayerful pose to their omnipresent phone, all I can think is... I need to put some corks in the seatbacks.

Passengers of the world, I get it. You've had a day, and maybe this time in the car is the only respite you're going to get. You may be catching up to things you have had to let slide for entirely too long. Life is unseemly and many drivers are not going to say things you want to hear, and part of you is actively looking forward to self-driving cars that will seem less awkward and more safe. 

But the awkwardness you are feeling from basic human interactions will not dissipate with even fewer of them, and a society where a spiraling number of people aren't supporting themselves... is going to be more awkward still. 

So. Interact with the driver. Briefly, if you like. Confirm the identity and destination. Maybe engage in a little small talk, or at the very least, apologize for your upcoming isolation. Let's all treat each other the way we'd like to be treated, instead of a nuisance to be endured. It's a better ride and world, I promise.

> Speaking of driver interactions... there's an increasing amount of survelliance happening with the platforms pushing for dash cams, and presumptive recording of the ride's audio by either the driver or passenger's phone. I've had false accusations and platform deactivations in the past, which has caused fiscal harm, so I get it.

But I can't help but think that the trade off isn't worth it. That's computing power run amok (so, higher electicity and water bills for everyone, along with climate change consequences) with a side of constant state survalliance, and it's a when, not an if, for a gross misuse of that data to occur. And that's not even my biggest problem with it.

I'm an adult. In a country where free speech is supposed to be a core human right. And when you decide to chill it by pre-emptively recording it because you have decided that I am guilty until never proven innocent by dint of my choice of hustle, I'm going to... say only sanitized things, and very few of them, because that's the world you've created.

So those amenities? Not discussed. Restaurant reviews? Nope. Tips that might save you time and money in your next ride? Not on record. Chance that your rating is going to get a star or two taken away because I don't enjoy the world you are helping to enable? (Silence.)

> Finally, this. There are advantages to society, specifically known as a "network effect", when people are more or less on the same schedule. If most people don't have the weekend off, then weekends lose their utility, because you can't plan events that will be as well-attended. If most people have common songs in their lives, we can all sing along to them at ball games. If jokes reference events that everyone has heard of, they land with more people. And so on.

And when that effect is weakened, something is lost.

I'd point out how this impact rideshare, but, well, you can just read the earlier points and connect the dots, yes?

Silent Running

The downsides of gig work are many, but the most obvious one is a lack of paid sick time. I tend to have a reasonable constitution and steady habits, so an illness has to be pretty potent to get me off the road. And ever since the pandemic, the idea of making someone else ill with whatever I've got has been a big, well, no.

So this weekend, I picked up a bug, bombed it with meds and felt good enough to work and not be contagious... but I've lost my voice. This isn't the first time that I've had this happen, due to a youth spent singing in rock bands, but it is new to this age of life, which involves rideshare.

There is nothing like the absence of an ability to make you focus on that ability, and you may be surprised by how much conversation happens in the course of a shift. If nothing else, the reflexive action of confirming name and address, as well as the presence of amenities or use of the trunk, is off the table... and if your passengers have a conversation that ties into your particular interests, or with obvious errors that you might be able to correct or inform, it's a kind of mild torture.

But for the most part, being forced to be silent as a driver is just the way this driver is choosing to do the work on this day, and some passengers won't even notice, especially if they are wearing headphones or on a phone conversation during the call. I suspect it's generally a negative practice for inspiring tipping, but small sample sizes do not inspire confidence.

Because the Rideshare Gods are funny, or depending on how you look at things, merciful... the shift that had the most Silent Running was, of course, during a good amount of surge price. Can't talk? Have fares that want to. Can talk? Have fares that don't. Leading to one of the last ones of the night, a multi-stop affair where I've got so much to say to the last passenger that, at the end of the ride, I'm furiously jotting down contact info on a post-it note.

Freedom of speech, folks. Pops up in the weirdest places.


The Command Performance

 I've been doing this for over 9 years and 40,000 rides now, and for the past few, I've really been making the effort to stay closer to home, even if it costs me a few bucks or takes me a little extra time. The chance of getting into some kind of automotive trouble spikes further away, whether it's a flat tire, missed signal, etc., etc., and I also enjoy being able to give local recommendations for food and such. If your rideshare driver is stressed, that can't be good for tips, either -- and my tips percentage has definitely gone up over the years.

The side effect of this is how, especially when your hours are relatively consistent (i.e., I usually work nights), you are going to run into the same customers from time to time. And when your ride is distinctive, or you insist on consistently quirky amenities, it gets memorable.

Which can be a little awkward, because, well, I've got a go to list of conversational tactics and topics that I'll hit, rather than risk driving while doing Serious Thinking. And as much as you might want me to stick to playing the hits... you probably actually, well, don't.

So, if you get in the car and recognize me, by all means, feel free to start a conversation. But give me something new to work with, because (spoiler alert)... I probably don't remember the last time I took you somewhere, given the, um, 40,000 rides.

Also, this. 

If I *do* remember everything we talked about the last time?

I might not have done so, with, shall we say, perfect kindness and charity...

When The Rider Goes Full Newhart

 I've done stand-up comedy a few times in my life. Just enough to know (a) how hard it is, (b) how I might be good at it, and (c) how I...