My Top 12 Driver Confessions

Malcolm Gladwell is one of those people who irritates nearly as much as he informs, but the balance is usually a hair to the good. One of his truisms is what he calls "The 10,000 Hour Rule", which holds that if you give that much "deliberate practice" to a task, you become world-class in the field.

It's probably bullspit, but I'm just looking for an intro here. I also have over 7,000 hours in the apps now, and some time on my hands thanks to the failure of my government and fellow citizens to stop a preventable pandemic. So... let's unburden.

1) If you make me wait, I hope you don't show up.

I get paid a reasonable rate for your no-show. And if you are making me wait, I want you to waste your money for wasting my time. I've taken rides in the platform, I know you can see my progress and when I'm close to your location. It's really not hard to be ready for your driver.

2) If you don't show up, I'm really hoping I don't get you again. But I might.

It's just awkward, but I'm likely the closest driver. I'll also log out of the system for a few minutes if need be to lower my chance of being your driver. And texting or calling me that you are on your way isn't really going to buy you a lot of extra time. Mostly because -- shh! -- this is a business and I'm not really here to drive you around so much as I am to make money. (You'd be amazed how often people fail to remember that.)

3) If you tell me that you are going to tip on the app, I will thank you, but I also won't believe you.

Blame the 17K previous riders. Many of whom said the same thing. And if you say it twice, I really know you are full of it.

4) I've had the conversation I'm having with you many times. 

Not to ruin the magic, and I'm glad if you like the material, but, um, 17K riders and I'm driving on often shoddy GPS directions, maybe to a place I've never been to before. We're kind of on auto pilot here.

5) Your assumptions about my station in life are cute. And usually wrong. I'm probably not going to bother to change them.

If you want to assume your driver is uneducated or unmotivated, that says a lot more about you than me. But to be clear: two degrees, 25 years in my industry, have likely drawn a paycheck longer than you've been alive. I'm here because my family has bills to pay, and I have hours to sell. But by all means, tell your "there but for the grace of God story." To yourself. Silently. While tipping.

6) If you wait until the last second to put on your mask, I'm going to check that you keep it on.

For obvious reasons, really. Usually with a check in the rear view mirror, and especially if you talk during the ride, either to your phone or me.

7) If you take your mask off, I'm not going to ask you to put it back on.

I'm also not going to drive you ever again, because that's the way 3 stars or less works. That also goes if you can't keep it on your nose. Since air comes out of that hole, and the virus is airborne, and you aren't paying me enough to give me a virus. Simple, really!

8) You can always add a stop. But I wish you wouldn't.

I'm usually chasing a bonus that's triggered by the number of rides that I accept. Using me as your chauffeur while you run errands, or changing the deal to add some totally unexpected out of the way destination, is your right as a rider. But... it really does suck for the driver. Make a second request.

9) Passengers who call often suck.

I'm driving when you call. If you have urgent information to impart, do it in text. That way, I don't have to remember. More often than not, people who call are folks who are bringing drama I don't need.

10) Your choice of platform makes me think about you differently. 

Mostly, that Lyft riders are more random than Uber.

Maybe they got bounced out of the dominant (at least on the East Coast) platform for bad behavior. Maybe they are looking to spend as little as possible on their ride, and feel that Lyft is more likely to avoid a surge price. Or maybe they are morally opposed to Uber (there are reasons), and feel like Lyft drivers are more likely to share their morals or politics, and are more interested in chatting. (Fun fact: 50 to 60% of the time, your Uber driver is also your Lyft driver. It's not like these platforms are paying us enough to lock down exclusivity.)

Whatever it is, I'm just much more likely to have outliers -- both good and bad -- on the Lyft platform. (And maybe that also makes me more receptive to them, or more likely to provoke. But it is what it is.)

11) Sometimes, I didn't want your ride, but I had to take it anyway.

I have to accept a certain percentage of rides to stay in the platform, even if they are really far away, taking me to some place I don't want to go (i.e, out into the middle of nowhere, out of state, or into an area without surge pricing), or for a rider with low ratings and an undesirable ride length. 

So if you cancel? Really not going to break my heart. 

And if I cancel on you?

Well, I get to do that up to 4% of the time. 

And will use as many of those as I can to maximize my money and time.

12) Your problems are not mine.

Running late and want me to speed? Annoyed because the windows are cracked during a pandemic? Not thrilled that all of you have to be in the back seat? Bent because some other driver cancelled on you? Or just Having A Day?

Well, I could say something about all of this. But this band did it better. Play me out, boys!

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