Five Ask Me Anything questions on rideshare driving

A list of commonly asked questions with the answers I give, and the answers I want to give, because I am a smartass. I don't say the DA, because the first rule of rideshare driving is remain on the platform, and you remain on the platform by not saying terribly memorable and problematic things to your passengers. Even when you really wanna...

Q: Do you prefer Uber or Lyft?

Real Answer (RA): It depends on the week and passenger. Lyft passengers tend to be outliers -- the best and worst -- and the apps are a little different when it comes to how much control it gives to the driver. But generally, it's not too strong, one way or the other.

Desired Answer (DA): Like all drivers who are on both platforms, I am a bloodthirsty pirate with no allegiance to anything beyond the almighty dollar. You would be too, if you drove. Tip. Then tip more.

Alternate DA: I prefer more interesting questions than this one. Try harder.

Alternate DA: Is this the part where you blast away on your past grievance with the platform you are not using now, and I pretend to care?

Q: Has anyone ever had sex in your car while driving?

RA: Yes, because weight shifts and noises are not particularly hard to notice in a hatchback. Since they outnumbered me, and stopping them would have compromised safety, I pretended not to notice and completed the work. After they exited, I wiped down all surfaces, filed an incident report, made sure to rate them in a manner where I wouldn't get them again, and went about the rest of my shift. No, I'm not going to tell you if this has happened more than once.

DA: Are you offering?

Alternate DA: I'm doing it right now. Don't judge.

Alternate DA: Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you're a cop.

Q: How much do you make?

RA: It depends on the shift and varies a lot. We get paid a base, surge, promotion and tip. If you hit on just the base, it's not worth it. If you hit on all four, it's quite acceptable. I know how much I've made to date, and I've got a pretty good estimate on what I can achieve this week, but it's kind of like fishing. You don't really know how it's going to go.

DA: Not enough. Tip. Now.

Alternate DA: I make nothing. This is penance for my sins. So many sins.

Alternate DA: How much do *you* make?

Q: Do you prefer short rides or long rides?

RA: I prefer rides that end at the exact place of my next passenger, so that there's no inefficiency in my shift. Other than that, it depends on the week, if I'm chasing a high ride count bonus.

DA: Ask me again in a little while, when I see if you can hold a conversation.

Alternate DA: It's more about the thickness than the length.

Alternate DA: All rides are the same... under the sheets.

Q: Should I become a driver?

RA: If you have the right kind of car and personality for it, and can be different people for different people, sure. I've done this for 6+ years and 26K+ rides, and I think I've become a better person for doing it. There is also, well, money involved. Rideshare has helped me to avoid a lot of worse ideas when things weren't going well. But the reality is that 2 out of 3 drivers who try it don't stick with it past the intro period.

Alternate DA: No. All rides are mine. Not yours.

Alternate DA: It's something you're *born* with, man. If you need to ask the question, you'll never be a *real* rideshare driver.

DA: I get a bounty if you do it from my referral, so you should only do this if it makes me ..money. Or, shorter, YES. YES. DO IT. DO IT NOW. I NEED MONEY YOU CAN MAKE ME MONEY MAKE ME MONEY MONEY MONEY...

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