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| Truth To Dude Power |
Evening work in the hilly parts of San Francisco. It's a weekend, so it's mostly a ton of short fares for drunken people, many of whom aren't too concerned about surge pricing. Not the worst environment for the hustle.
Two guys slouch their way into the back seat for an estimated three minutes and 0.3 miles. It's uphill and it's their money and I'm totally fine with it, because hey, having $4 is better than not having $4.
They start to talking about blockchain, which is perhaps the subset of conversation in the Bay Area that will get you the most Bro Tastic conversations. I'm sure there are women who work in blockchain, because there have to be, but... man alive, I kind of hope not. Just because the guys I've met are just... well, you know.
Anyway, they are both drunk and both very emotional about the subject and their coworkers, to the point where the conversation starts having an inordinate number of Dudes, and an equal or better number of F***s.
So much so that I start counting them on my fingers as we climb the hill.
And stop.
After 40.
Three minutes, folks. Ones that I'll never forget.
Episode 2: Tinder Roulette
Several years ago, riding around Old City, one of the hipper parts of Philadelphia. Weekend night, three bros enter the car.
Normally when a passenger has a bit of the odor to them, I am discreet. I do my spiel, wait a 10 count or so, get the car moving to distract, and then bump the windows down a bit to make sure I'm not overwhelmed. I might also turn off subsequent rides to give myself a minute or five to drive around at speed and air the vehicle out.
These guys? Um... so much Axe Body Spray that I just hit all four windows on entry, immediately. They didn't notice, because They Are They.
After expressing enthusiasm for my amenities, they start to engage with each other as if I were not there. (Fine by me, really.) And the activity for this ride is the little-known game show Tinder Roulette.
For those of you who are, like me, past the event horizon for dating apps, Tinder is one of the more meat market providers out there. Participants swipe left or right for matches, usually based on glimpse level visual data.
But what, may you ask, is Tinder Roulette?
It's when one person swipes for the other... with no information other than a name.
I will now replay the conversation for you in its entirety, because it immediately seared into my memory. For Reasons.
Player 1: "Tiffany."
Player 2: "Aw, man, I dated a Tiffany once! TIFFANY WAS NO GOOD FOR ME. ***Pa-ha-ass.***"
Player 1: "Jessica."
Player 2: "Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mm. Like... Jessica RABBIT? I wants me some Jessica Rabbit! Gives me some Jessica Rabbit!"
Player 3: "DUDE! She's Huge!"
Player 1: (channeling Anakin Skywalker) Noooooooooooo!!!!!!
They left the car soon after. But never my mind. I like to imagine incredibly short toasts to the happy couple at their wedding, with the best man (Player 2) taking credit for the way he said Jessica, and guests giving the happy couple gifts that were as random as the pairing.
The performance of this has been an occasional comedy bit for when passengers ask for whack-a-doodle ride share stories, and it usually lands. Once, with a woman telling me that she was a bridesmaid for a Tinder Wedding, with the bride admitting as such when pressed for an origin story.
Because Meet Cute stories are just too hard, I guess. And also, because Dudes aren't always male.
* * * * *
The common point? Dudes Gonna Dude. Nothing can stop them from Dudeing.
Also, that if you are going to do character comedy improv work on your ride share driver, best to go big, really.
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