You've got to have fear in your heart

Strip mall in west Trenton, three hours into the shift, late for a weeknight but not late. No one's talking, no one's tipping, no one's paying surge price. It's been like this for most of the week, because the Eagles lost the Super Bowl and the region is depressed. Also, it's February. Get in the car, stare at your phone, and make sure your driver is making as little as possible. Not great.

The pick up is two young women, 15 minute ride to a local college. College kids are usually better than most. They want to know how to save time and money on rides, they are a little better at holding a conversation, they tip more often. So I force myself to be a little chattier than usual, try to engage. They respond just enough to make me feel bad for trying, and as the car gets quiet for the final 2/3rds of the ride as they pray to their phones, this track comes up on my iPod. Specifically, the last few minutes of it.

You've got to have fear in your heart / you've got to have fear in your heart...

Have I offended my passengers? Are they going to be the ones that decide to 1-star me, make some specious accusation, or worse? I've been doing this off and on for six years now, over 25K rides. Eventually, you are going to run into some significant problem of a person. Maybe these are the ones.

I roll up to their drop point. They exit cheerfully and politely. Nothing that was going on in my head or the soundtrack was real.

This time.



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And while it may seem like a small thing to be better at taking rides, let's face it -- doing things well is more fun than doing them badly. Especially when you get to share that expertise with others. Also, funny stories!

Towards that end, I'm now accepting bookings (lucrative, not at all imaginary bookings) to talk to your college, high school, corporation, patrons or hostages (no judgment!) about how to do this better. Just hit the contact box at top right. I'll be glad you did!

Ten Things I Think, But Do Not Say, When People Say "I'll Tip In The App"

 Pwomise, Daddy, pwomise?

As that's a binding verbal contract and you can tip before the ride is over, I'm just going to lock the doors and wait for you to do that.

Lies make Baby Jesus cry.

Please, Kind Sir? I've Been Ever So Good!

The curse of Allah be on him if he is one of the liars.

Great. Now I've got to write down where you live and come back with protestors if you don't. And that giant inflatable rat smells.

OK, but just the tip.

In John 8:44 we learn that liars are "the children of your father the devil and you love to do the evil things he does." Give me cash now, or tip in the app before you leave the car, if you want to avoid eternal damnation.

How much, exactly? I'll be following up. (cracks knuckles)

The spreadsheet that I keep tells me that 93% of the time, you won't. Surprise me.

Moments from the lawless cities

More of these, I guess
I drive at night, generally. I consult during the day, I'm not a morning person, I like to run when its cooler and quieter out. But this also means I see stuff which, if you piece them together, just create a narrative of society falling apart. Such as:

> An impassioned screed for Alex Jones on a Wawa bathroom wall, answered by diametrically opposed profanity. The next day, it's aggressively bleached.

> Pulling up to a light with a clear no turn on red sign, no hours limitations. Stopping. Driver behind me swerves to the middle lane and drives through the red.

> More or less routine pot smell for passengers, especially the ones that make me wait to get in the car.

> Pulling up to a yellow light turning red. Braking to stop. Driver behind me swerves to middle, runs the red.

> Dirt bike riders without headlights or helmets, driving in packs, disregarding all traffic laws, on sidewalks and everywhere else.

> Male passenger enters the car without wearing a shirt, dictates directions counter to the address or GPS directions, and insists that I pass a stopped police car, rather than consider another route or waiting a minute to make sure we're safe to pass.

> Going to a truck stop bathroom, only to have the guy in the next stall decide it's the time and place to watch his TikTok feed without headphones.

> Routinely getting passed on residential highways posted for 55 and 65 miles per hour by people doing 1.5 to 2X that speed

There's a lot of theories going around as to why this kind of bad behavior is on the rise. Income inequality becoming more strained due to the pandemic and inflation. Climate change stress giving way to a form of nihilism. Police and courts doing less due to the pandemic, body cam footage, or just the simple knowledge that the Uwalde footage showed, which is that cops prioritize going home at the end of the shift over anything else. Racism and classism piggy-backing on any weed odor. And so on.

All that I can tell you from the front lines is that you can tell any story you like. 

But that the negative one always seems to be an easier one to start.

Information

Here's something from poker, which I also do, enough at times to start to think that life is just poker.

In poker, players can sometimes speak about getting "information", which can be something as simple as showing cards you don't have to show, making a small bet that gets swamped by a bigger one, or calling a bet even when you think you are going to lose, because you just need to see the opponent's cards that much to guide your future play. When information is gathered and used correctly, you can use it to put together a "book" in your mind as to what this opponent will do in a future hand, and use it to increase your chances of winning.

In rideshare, the driver has the option to rank the passenger at the end of the ride. Anything that is three stars or less means the passenger isn't going to be in the future consideration set for the driver. I could be ten feet from you, taking ride requests, and you could be making one... but the ap isn't going to pair us together again.

If you do this job long enough, and stick to a consistent area (recommended, it's safer and America's pothole problems are not getting better -- you want to know where they are, and that's trial and error, especially at night)... rating most of your passengers badly is going to hurt your future earning potential. On some level, every 3-star rating is costing the driver money, or at the very least, future money.

Which might lead you to think that I never do it, and, well, nope. If the ride is taking me far away to a place where no one requests rides, and you aren't entertaining or sympathetic and don't tip... well, 3 stars is my way of preventing this experience in the future. The same story goes for if you've decided that rideshare exists for you to make as many stops and run as many errands as possible. The ap allows it, but it's a really bad earning time for me, and I have to assume you do this routinely, and I don't want to be part of that routine. Enjoy your next driver; I'm tapping out. If you also are problematic in other ways, such as odor for future passengers, long wait times, etc., I'm making the calculation that having you out of my consideration set is going to improve, not degrade, my earning potential. Demotivate me enough that I just want to go home? 3 stars. All of this is a judgment based on incomplete information.

(Side note: Why 3 stars and not 1? Well, a 1-star rating is way more likely to put me on the radar of the problem passenger, and those folks tend to lie about my performance because I was so, so mean. A 1-star rating isn't me not wanting to drive this person again, it's me not wanting any driver, anywhere, to drive this person again. Very different rating.)

So... final drive of the day. Ping is the third in a 3-streak Lyft, more north and east than I ever want to be, with a 15-minute drive to go get them. Well, it's been a bad weekend filled with inefficient work, so this is just on brand. Get it done.

I roll up to my people (pair, man and woman) and at least they are waiting for me... and wow, they've had a day. There's a certain smell that drunk people have, a sickly fruity one, and it often accurately predicts someone having a nausea event later. The ride is also south (small blessing), but also west (dammit), it's going to be 25 miles and 30+ minutes, and here we go.

My passengers decide to argue about, honestly, the dumbest things imaginable. They also argue about everything, and about five minutes into the ride, the woman begins hiccupping. A lot, while continuing to speak constantly, and experience also tells me that's not a great sign for avoiding the Nausea Event. I ask her if she's going to be OK, she assures me (in the repeating way that very drunk people do, because they can't remember the things they've already said) that she's going to be fine, and yeah. I drive a little faster because this mission now seems like it's got a time element. Also, because I really can't wait to get them, their argument, and their odor out of my car.

As we get closer to the drop, the argument devolves into multi-lingual skills. It turns out that both of them have reason in their lives to know other languages, but not to the point of having native fluency. Leading the man to assert that he can read something in another language, but that he's not going to be able to understand it. (Roll that around in your head for Drunken Philosophy fun.) The woman responds with a similar idiot ship passing in the night point about her experiences in Korean, and that she just doesn't get what dude is saying. They proceed to say the same things to each other with rising levels of irritation for the next five minutes.

At which point my dude decides it's time for back up, and asks me what I think. Since, presumably, I heard the hiccupping from before and am on pins and needles about where the discourse is going next, as opposed to just, you know, listening for sounds of puke.

Calculating to try to get to the least amount of conversation, I hold for a beat, then reply that I'm not from this area, so I'm really just focusing on the road. Which also has the benefit of truth. They seem to accept this answer, tear into each other for the last five minutes, and we get to the drop point.

As they are leaving my car, I'm thinking about the rating. They did the responsible thing and took rideshare while drinking. I'm working at this hour; if I didn't want to deal with drunk people, I could just do this in the mornings (I'm not a morning person). They may just be in a bad relationship and its coloring everything around them. 3-star ratings hurt my business. I could give four and...

My man gets out of the car and thanks me for the ride. He's about to get the 4-star rating when he finishes the evening with "Don't be such a f***ing robot next time." Punctuated with an aggro door slam.

Ah, the information I was looking for! Thank you, sir!

Three stars.

Single moms have things to get done

 The ping comes from the Wal-Mart, a five minute ride on a weekend when I'm trying to rack up a bunch of short rides for a bonus, so not...