A Brief Note Of Appreciation To People I Don't Write About

Occasionally, you get passengers that want to hear whackadoodle rider stories. By the way, excellent rider move, especially if it's late at night -- a driver is not going to get drowsy or you while they are telling a story.

That's a big reason why this blog exists, really. I've found it fun and mildly profitable to get value out of unvalued experiences, using it for the Com Oh Dee and ad revenue. (Click on the ads! They are targeted for my pleasure.)

When I disclose this, sometimes people want to know if I'm going to write about them, too. The answer is, well, almost never.

Why? Well, happy stories are kind of dull, honestly. I had a great conversation with someone who shares an interest with me. A passenger thought I was funny or that the car was well taken care of or that I said something meaningful. I was able to provide comfort to someone having a bad day. 

Yeah, I'm bored writing that, so I can't imagine you're going to be into reading it.

Which usually leads a few folks (OK, the fun and drunken kinds) to take it as some sort of challenge to say or do something that will make the blog...

And, well, Life Is Not A Video Game, and we don't get to both press the reset button after our over the top attempt at humor falls flat.

So if you are disappointed by me not writing about you...

Well, read the rest of the blog, and ask yourself the following question.

Are you sure you want to be in the company of the whackadoodles?

You Shouldn't Be Doing This... In Princeton

The ping comes in Princeton. Not too far away, not too long of a drive. But the rider's rating is a little low. Worrisome. I take it anyway.

A word about Princeton, which is to say the wealthiest part of New Jersey. It's also a very high risk / high reward place to do rideshare, because 

(a) Very Wealthy people are often the Very Worst, and lots of people -- especially restaurant patrons who want to all drink -- are in that group

(b) the area is absolutely rife with deer, which are not a thing I want to drive around,

(c) the pandemic means no college students (they are usually more fun to talk to and easier to manage, because they are more dependent on rideshare to get around and hence care more about their ratings)

(d) the pandemic means a lot less tipsy high tipping pharma people on an expense account, and

(e) you often get preposterously long ride requests, which usually wipe me out, and take me to places I don't know. Not super safe.

On the other hand, the roads are smooth and you occasionally get a great conversation or tipping. All things being equal, I tend to avoid the area. Not as much as other areas, and not to the point of boycott, but enough.

A word about my car and service. It's currently a 2014 Honda Insight, as immaculate as I can manage with daily obsessive cleaning. It's a hybrid hatchback that gets 48 miles per gallon, and is more than comfortable enough for one to two passengers, or maybe three if one of them is a child. It's also got a heated back seat cover, hand sanitizer, and my rating has been over 4.9 for, like, ever. I've done this for over 17.5K rides, 7K+ hours in the app, and 4+ years. 

I'm good at this. I know what I'm doing. 

Data, not opinion. 

So I roll up to the pick up, and the passenger gets in. She is, um, not small, but it's not a problem. The problem is her two friends. Both guys, both bigger than her, and not folks who can all fit in my back seat.

During the pandemic, sitting in the front seat isn't allowed. I have taken this change to load up the seat with a box of masks for those who don't have one (all hail Costco, but honestly, I'm not real thrilled at handing these out), a dust buster for when I can't get to my car wash, the breath mints and cough drops that I use for comfort and alertness (a cough drop tends to help against yawning, which happens more when you wear a mask all day), and face shields. 

So, I'm using the space. You aren't allowed there. The hustle is not paying me enough to get the virus. I tell the passenger about the policy, and I get a puling little "The driver who brought us here was OK with it."

Well, why didn't you say so earlier? That's more than enough reason for me to disregard my own safety, put myself at risk in case you are a shill that's out to make sure the policy is followed (yes, that happens), and judging by the cumulative weight of what's about to enter my car, stress the shocks and tire pressure. 

Or, well, not. I confirm with the passenger that she needs to order a bigger car (i.e., not the cheapest available Uber, which is how you get a guy in a compact, honestly), and cancel the ride.

Which gets me a raft of sputtering nonsense from a male passenger that got into the car with some difficulty, and is having more of it trying to get out. 

After way more dialogue and sarcasm than necessary, he heaves himself out with a grunt, screams "You shouldn't be doing this" at me, then slams the door for all he's worth. Because that'll teach me the error of my ways for not providing him service!

Oh, and final fun point... since I canceled the ride, I got paid nothing, took the accepted ride rating hit, and was unable to give these charming folks the 3 stars or lower rating that means I'd get to avoid them for any future rides.

One more reason to avoid Princeton, honestly...

The Worst Five Star Rider Ever

A little late on a Thursday night. The ping comes to a Wal-Mart, which is usually a local trip home with groceries. Standard fare, especially during the pandemic. The ride is going a suspiciously long way away though, out into the middle of nowhere, where I'm not going to get any kind of useful ride back. Oh well, life of a hack. Let's ride.

I come up to the front because there is no traffic, and two guys are having an animated conversation. It takes a while for one of them to get in, and the other kind of guides him in. "Thanks again," says my new passenger, and off we go. No groceries or purchases. Well, maybe he works there.

Nope.

Over the next 35 minutes, I get a disjointed ramble of a story about how the passenger had guns pulled on him by police, how various debit cards and SNAP (food stamps) products have fallen through, how you need to take this road and not that road, but he don't judge no one and wow your car sure is clean and nice and just a torrent of everything. He keeps his mask on and isn't actively threatening, but everything about him just screams Meth. Fun.

Long ride. I engage sporadically, just enough so that he thinks I'm on his side, and count the minutes until I can three-star him and get on with my life...

Which is when he then needs a stop at a Wawa on the way. Well, what the hell, my night is shot anyway, and he's been just on the edge enough that the first rule of ride share (Get Home Safely) dictates that I don't piss him off. Also, he's still several miles from his final destination, and if I just drive off, it's going to be some poor Wawa guy's problem, and, likely, a second visit from the po po. 

So I'll give him a minute or two in the store, and if he doesn't come back soon, well... oh, lord. He's arguing with the counter guy. Maybe I'm about to witness a hold up?

Which is when the app pings with a text. "Everything ok? You guys have been stuck there for a while."

Because... the guy at the Wal-Mart who guided him into the car isn't the passenger. He's the guy paying for the ride, so this nutcase can go sleep at whatever he calls home, instead of jail, which was probably what was going to happen at the Wal-Mart before I got there.

And at this point, he gets back in the car. \

With a fresh charge of caffeine and what happened in the store and oh man I'm sorry I spilled my coffee on your nice clean car and I need extra time to get out of the car and... 

I got home safe. 

The car's fine. 

And I didn't rate the Samaritan as low as I wanted to...

Pandemic Predictions In Rideshare

 Thanksgiving Week is usually one of the best weeks of the year for rideshare. 

I've personally chosen not to work it, because Pandemic and we're only a few months away from a vaccine you mooks, and to make very sure that I don't weaken in my resolve, I've had a drink.

So, anyhoo. 

Here is a screenshot of what I see, as a driver, in the greater Princeton-Trenton area right now.


And what happens when you scroll on up to the areas outside NYC.


Feel free to compare regions in 1-2 weeks.

Play me out, PJ...

Prank Dreams

Rideshare drivers can not, as a rule, mess with their passengers. The ratings have to stay high, complaints are taken very seriously, and unless you are *very* sure that the joke is going to (a) be received as a joke, and (b) will kill so much as to likely inspire tipping... well, safety first. And second. And third through twelfth.

But that doesn't mean that the mind doesn't wander down some, shall we say, entertaining scenarios. And since I don't have an improv group to film all these, and pandemics and my lack of video chops are also a thing...

Well, you get the set up. On to the pranks that will never happen!

1) Song of the Damned

My iPod (yes, iPod, I'm old school) has about 8K songs on it most of which are on shuffle, many of which I will skip over if I deem them inappropriate to the passenger. But sometimes, I really just want to see what would happen if I kept playing the same song, all while insisting that I wasn't. For more about how this might play out, listen to this bit by John Mulaney.

2) Rideshare Jukebox

Another music prank, but this requires a lot more work. All of the iPod selections are songs, stand up comedy routines, or murder mystery podcasts about grisly crimes perpetrated by rideshare drivers. This probably needs (a) a hidden camera for reactions, and (b) passengers that don't have headphones or earbuds. As the driver during this, I'd totally refuse to engage or acknowledge the content.

3) The Driving Dead

I'm not much for make up or costuming, but the idea of adding a bit of pallor to the cheeks, perhaps some structural decay, and a bit of a monotone as to how long this shift has lasted? Or how all you have to do to keep driving forever is to just go off one platform and on to the other, world without end, possibly while telling some story about an unhappy passenger who cursed you...

It would work on drunk people. Too well, really.

4) Game Show

Inspired by the great and mostly forgotten Daffy Duck and Porky Pig short "The Ducksters", this would give participants the chance to win prizes based on their ability to answer absurd trivia questions. More or less ruined by everyone having the Internet in their pocket, but still, a man can dream. "What's the latitude and longitude of the Wreck of the Hesperus"?

5) Take Your Child To Work Day

Not really kosher, since the front seat isn't allowed during the pandemic and for sale during normal times, but the idea of having an accomplice -- and making sure that the casting decision for such a person would make it highly unlikely that the person was, in fact, your kid -- makes for *much* better improv, really. I don't quite have the nerve of Sasha Baron Cohen, but I'm sure he could get some good weird fun out of this...

For Scarlett, and her mother

 I'm an email and digital marketing consultant, and rideshare is the client of last resort. I tend to do a lot of it around the holidays...