Five Ways To Get Three Stars (Or Less)

Or, Not Very

Here's something that many passengers don't realize: drivers rate you at the end of the ride, the same way you rate us. The default is five stars, and the vast majority of my passengers get that many from me... but, well, Not All.

If a driver gives a passenger three stars, they aren't paired again. If a driver gives a passenger one star with a particularly good reason and story, there's a reasonable chance that the passenger will get bounced out of the system. (This is, inevitably, when someone asks me if I've ever given a one-star rating. The answer is yes, but very, very rarely, and it's mostly been around acts of violence. The job isn't always fun, folks.)

Since I'm picking up a lot of folks, hopefully with as little latency as possible between rides, I don't normally have time to tap out a comment for my three-star riders. So here's the most common ways to get docked by me.

> Making your driver wait. Yes, we are compensated for up to 90 seconds in a shared drive, and up to five minutes in a regular one... but that compensation is literally pennies, and it's the rare moment, especially in urban settings, where we can find a great and open parking spot near your drop point. Folks who get in the car after a prolonged wait, especially without an apology or excuse, are pretty much broadcasting the belief that their time is valuable, and the driver's is not. Not exactly putting your best foot forward. Honestly, if the clock gets down to the final seconds, I'm pretty much rooting for you to not make it, so I can get my $5 kill fee without having to put up with you. And if there are people in the car for a shared ride, and we're all waiting? I've got company on the countdown.

> Eating, especially without asking. I don't generally have a ton of time between rides, and I also don't carry a vacuum cleaner with me (no, not even a dustbuster -- it's a little hatchback, so I keep as little in it as possible), so catching your crumbs and airing out the fumes from your meal is a big block of Hell No. My car is a shared public space. Eating in it imperils my future ratings and revenue. Wait and do it later, please.

> Audio without headphones. This one always kind of astounds me, whether it's in my car, or in a gym, elevator, subway or elsewhere. I get that your phone has the capacity to entertain you in a catered and perfect personal fashion. The chance that I'm going to be interested in your content is pretty damn low. Right up there with wanting to be subjected to it, especially in a shared ride. Get headphones. Use them. This isn't hard.

> Getting physical. I get that urges can seem overwhelming, and there's something cinematic about getting involved with your beloved in a semi-public space... but distracting your driver with the worry that there's a porno going on in the back seat isn't exactly polite. Or doing much for my peace of mind that the seats are going to be clean enough for the next folks to occupy. The ride isn't so long that you can't wait, honestly.

> Touching. There are some folks (drunk, usually, but not always) who seem to think I need a shoulder squeeze on the way in or out. I get that I'm adorable and nearly adult size and all, but let's just assume that I'm not buying a used car from a handsy closer, please.

> Olfactory issues. I get that you might be going to a club where you are going to sweat buckets, and that to compensate, you've made the tactical decision to triple up on the perfume or cologne. Or that you've just gotten off your shift at the Bleach and Death Factory, and there are no showers there. It's still making my vision not so good. At the very least, crack your window.

> Making my doors cry. Slamming the trunk or doors as if it's an Olympic event judged on volume and impact is just obnoxious, let alone destructive. Close them like a human, please. One who does not wan to pay a damage waiver.

> Making someone else my problem. If you are putting someone you no longer want to deal with in my car, but not joining us on the ride, you are giving me a passenger that I can't rate. More importantly, you are giving me someone who, if they become untenable, I can't really refuse service to, since they might not have any other means to get to their destination. Either don't do it, or accompany them on the ride.