Where To Go

Always

There's one aspect of rideshare driving that escapes the notice of everyone who isn't a driver. Bluntly, the fact that you become a remarkable expert at where you should use a public restroom, and where you should not.

I've been doing this hustle for so long, wiping down all surfaces has become second nature, and it's nearly on auto pilot.

So without further ado, my rankings for the central NJ area, from best to worst.

1) Casinos.

There's almost nothing to dislike about a casino bathroom. You get secure and free parking, a scrupulously maintained facility, working wi-fi (yes, I'm checking my email here, and you would as well), and the special thrill of walking into a place where nearly everyone but you is losing money. Plus, once you are done and back to the car, there's a very solid chance of your next fare being close by. It's a win all around, assuming you don't make the mistake of stopping to play games or eat overpriced food.

2) Costco.

You don't need to be a member to buy gas, eat the cheapest food court food on the planet, and use well-maintained bathrooms that also have quality Costco toilet paper in abundance. What keeps this from the top spot is that the hours are limited, some locations are definitely better than others, and the wi-fi doesn't work in the stalls.

3) Wawa.

The region's best convenience stores are all over the place, open 24 hours, and have a surprising amount of healthy food options (that you probably won't eat) that are low cost. You are fighting for stall space with their gas station attendants, and locations vary on cleanliness. Also, a Wawa worker once told me that in the smaller places, where the stall is closer to the sink, that's where you get your best drug user traffic. Oy.

4) Starbucks.

They don't restrict for purchase anymore, and the facilities are usually clean, but hours are limited and parking is usually a mess. I confess, I'm a fan of just using their facilities without paying for anything, ever since Howard Schultz dallied around with an idiotic independent run for the Presidency.

5) The Home Depot.

It's usually a good long schlep to get to the room, but parking is ample and the place is usually clean, especially in better neighborhoods. The bonus here is that the room is usually outfitted with their best materials and plumbing as a way to subtly show off their wares.

6) Target.

Better than Wal-Mart, and usually OK. But not always. Aim for better areas.

7) McDonald's.

You are starting to step down into unacceptable levels here, but the nice thing about McD's now is that due to the growing use of touch screens to order, fewer people will give you the hairy eyeball for just running in and out and not buying anything. (I usually buy something. But not always, especially if the day isn't going great.)

7) Wendy's.

Somehow always a little off, but mostly acceptable.

8) The side of the road.

Yeah, no, I don't do this, but it still ranks higher than...

9) Burger King

I'm not sue what's wrong with this franchise, but I've never been in one of their bathrooms and felt even a little good about the experience. Even in an emergency.

10) Taco Bell

Like Burger King, but with a much greater chance of a clogged toilet with someone's recent bad digestion issue. Even if you aren't using a stall, the smell alone has left it's mark on me.

11) Wal-Mart

I'm not sure what prompts the socially challenged people of the area to go to their local Wal-Mart to break the fixtures, carve messages into the walls and generally make you reconsider whether Thanos had a point, but, um, yeah. I've driven further in pain rather than take this option.

12) Airport Port A Potty

They have these for rideshare drivers, and yes, they are always Hellmouths. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

Feel free to add your two cents below....

Driving Strangers: Episode 1 - Meet the Driver

Episode 1 of the series. Meet the driver, who might be having trouble with his coworkers.

Rider Potpourri For $200

For $200, Alex

Ride share stories don't always blossom into full adventures. (This is probably a good thing) So here's a bunch of little things from the past month to clear the decks.

> Multi-stop ride from a nice woman in her '20s who hates how she looks in glasses, so she isn't wearing them. We first picked up her friend, then stopped at the liquor store. While waiting for her to emerge, I moved to a legal parking spot ten feet away, then watched as she got into someone else's car after coming out. (This is where readers of a certain age will think about Mr. Magoo, and everyone else will wonder just how old the writer of this blog is. None of your business.)

> An older rider makes a reference to turntables (there's a local store near many of my ride work that I tend to chat about) as something that she was old enough to remember, but that I was not. I then told her my age, which she refused to believe. On reassertion (and the fact that when you are the size of a middle school child, you tend not to look your age), she complimented my skin care regimen. (Note: I have no skin care regimen, assuming you don't count showering and shaving routinely...)

> An astrophysicist gets into the car. We chat and he completely concurs that the recent image of the black hole looks like the Eye of Sauron. Nice to know that actual scientists conform to your Nerding Out stereotypes, really.

> Sign outside of a McDonald's in a bad neighborhood: "Come see Grimice." The character is correctly spelled Grimace (and also makes no sense if you think about it, which you probably should not)... but I kind of like the idea of some franchise going rogue and just making a character out of a bag of dirty ice. "I'm Grim Ice, kids. Winter is coming. And everyone is going to die. Eat up."

> Multi-stop ride where the passenger has me go to a pharmacy in a bad neighborhood, then a grocery store, then back to where I picked him up. The fun part was when he asked me to not park so close to the pharmacy, because he was meeting someone in the parking lot to hand him a bag. (Side note: I don't always make a lot of eye contact with my passengers, for, you know, reasons...)

You Knew What I Was When You Picked Me Up

This Is How It Works

There's an old classic Aesop's fable about the frog and scorpion. In it, a frog is crossing a dangerous river when he sees a scorpion that's unable to progress, and in risk for his life. The scorpion asks for passage on the frog's back. The frog initially refuses for fear that the scorpion will sting him, but the scorpion assures him this will not happen, because to sting him would doom them both. The frog agrees, and allows the scorpion to ride on his back.

They progress, but before they can reach safety on the other side, the scorpion strikes. As they start to both sink to the bottom, the frog asks the scorpion why. To which the scorpion replies that it is his nature, and that the frog knew what the scorpion was when he picked him up.

I never thought this fable would play out in real life for me, and yet... 

Uber is running a promotion for number of rides completed, as part of their goal to get all of my business away from Lyft. (Side note: it seems to be working.) They let you choose which level of ride goal you are going after, and I had a bunch of calls and other plans that was going to completely wipe out last Friday. So to get close to my weekly goal, I chose the most aggressive number and committed to four hard days of max app time to get to the goal.

Because the Rideshare Gods enjoy trickster behavior, this resulted in less demand than usual. So I was about a half dozen rides from getting the threshold with less and less time available when I get a ping. Shared ride, 1 passenger, 5 minutes away. Let's do this, and if I get lucky and get another rider, that's a bigger win. Fatigue be damned.

I roll up to the pick up spot, and out walks a woman with a baby in a car seat. Which means two passenger slots, not one. I ask her if she can adjust the count, and she tells me the app didn't let her. Which is obviously and transparently bullspit, but I'm already counting the minutes until I can get her out of my life and on to the next fare.

Which is when the guy also comes out of the car, and asks if we can stop at a convenience store along the way.

What happens next is a bottle that gets forgotten, a return to the house, a ping from another rider while I'm waiting for the dude to get out of the convenience store, and a face to face cancel on the other rider, because they have two people, and I can't take them with one person becoming three in my back seat.

Oh, and then the woman gets nasty on me and threatens my rating, because I could have just not taken the ride when I picked her up.

No, seriously.

Frog and scorpion, folks. Played out in real time because the Rideshare Gods, in addition to being tricksters, seem to have a taste for the classics...

To The People Who Make Their Drivers Wait

Testify!

Unlike many rideshare drivers, I've also been a passenger. When I lived in CA, I used services routinely for airport runs, and I've also done so when the car is in the shop, or strange circumstances crop up.

So, um, I know what things are like from the other side. And how many text notices and notifications that passengers get when it's time to go. Also, how the vast majority of passengers are, bless them eternally, ready and waiting when I arrive. Why, there's even a map that shows you exactly how close I'm getting!

Which means that my patience level, especially when it's nice out and the pick up is somewhere safe... is really not great for people who think that when they hire a car and driver, they also hire an attendant and happy passive spectator to their life.

(Note: I get that sometimes life is just like that, and that days go sideways for any number of reasons, and cell phone networks and ride share platforms are not infallible. But, Um, Still. Be ready and waiting for the ride. It's not that hard. As witnessed by the vast majority of people who are, um, ready and waiting for the ride.)

So please note that if you:

> Take a good long time with your cigarette or vape pen outside of the car

> "Hold" the car by texting, calling, or talking to the driver to let them know you'll be out in X minutes, and also decide that leaving a door open for however long is just what happens regardless of air conditioning means the driver is just going to do that with their lives for however long you need

> Time your entrance to the car to be the last possible second before a cancellation can happen, because beating deadlines are an exciting way to live

> Time your text or call to tell the driver about some other pick up point in the last possible second before a cancellation can happen

> Decide that a driver can loop around to position the entrance door closer to you, rather than cross the street (especially in places where a U-turn is either illegal or time consuming)

> Add stops (without adding them to the navigation, naturally) where you purchase goods and services or fulfill various social needs

I'm still going to get you where you are going, with more or less the same standard of service that everyone else gets, because that's the way I'm wired.

But I will make (very) sure it's the last time you ever see me, if you catch my 3-star and under drift...